There are many times when I find myself in a moment like this.
Everything around me is quiet, but my mind feels so loud.
No one is directly telling me that I don’t matter, but somehow, I can still feel it. Like I’m not really needed.
Like even if I’m here, I don’t truly have a place in the lives of the people I love.
I always feel alone.
Not just alone because no one is beside me…
but alone in a way that feels heavier than silence.
Alone in a way that makes me question if anyone wud notice if I stopped trying.
If anyone wud feel the emptiness if I slowly disappeared from their world.
There are days when I feel like my existence is not a gift to anyone.
Instead, it feels like a burden.
Like loving me is difficult.
Like staying wt me is tiring.
Like having me in their life is not something they are grateful for,
but something they quietly endure.
And that thought breaks something inside me.
I feel ugly in ways that no mirror can explain.
Unwanted in ways that no words can easily fix.
Discarded.
like something once held for a moment,
then left behind when it was no longer useful, beautiful, or easy to keep.
I wonder if I am too much.
Too sensitive. Too emotional.
Too difficult. Too broken.
Too needy. Too hard to love properly.
Sometimes, I try to convince myself that maybe I am just overthinking.
Maybe people are busy. Maybe love can be quiet.
Maybe care does not always look the way I need it to.
But even when I tell myself that, the ache remains.
Because deep down, there is still a part of me asking why I always have to understand everyone else while quietly begging to be understood too.
I do not want to feel this way.
I do not want to keep carrying the feeling that I am replaceable.
That I am easy to leave.
That I am someone people can lose without feeling like they truly lost something.
But this is where I am tonight.
Sitting with the kind of sadness that does not scream. It just stays.
It presses on my chest. It follows me into silence.
It makes me feel like I am present in everyone’s life, but never chosen enough to feel safe.
I feel unwanted.
I feel forgotten.
I feel discarded.
And maybe the most painful part is not that people leave.
Maybe it is that sometimes, even when they stay,
I still feel like I am not really being held.
Maybe I am not asking to be saved.
Maybe I just want to feel like I am worth keeping…..